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Sunday, December 21, 2014

Striving to be happier in the new year.

This post is a little all over the place.

I have battled with depression and anxiety as long as I can remember. There's this vulgar post from four years ago (brace yourself) that can explain a little of it. In high school I battled pretty bad with self mutilation and suicide attempts. Thankfully it's been many years (8+) since any of that. I've always had low self esteem, I've always considered myself weird looking with a weird voice. I probably won't ever see anything different. It's hard to keep all the thoughts out of my head sometimes but I do quite well with telling them to shut up.

This year hit me pretty hard. Rj lost his job in August. We went from making $3000+ a month to $1000 or less. I felt like we were poor before. I can't take the unknown. I can't take chaos. I seriously FREAK out at huge messes. I have to fix them. I have to clean everything and make everything perfect. Then, at the same exact time I allow messes to pile up because I don't know how to deal with them. This happens the most with paperwork. I've started cleaning my dresser top and have fund papers from May or before. Oh my. I will be attempting to become a minimalist come the new year. I've actually already started and have gotten rid of hundreds of possessions so far.

My mind is a HUGE mess of crazed thoughts. I stay up at night, thinking forever about every single thing that has ever happened. My anxiety is ridiculous. My head races with different situations and problems. Rj is the kind of guy that thinks everything will always be "fine". I'm more realistic, even pessimistic most of the time.  I'm completely emotional based. I completely flip and say awful things with two seconds of getting mad.

I've started to realize this year that I am worse than ever. I've felt myself every year for, at least, the five years becoming more unhappy with each year. I'm broken easier. It takes very little to make me cry. It may be because of this damn hormonal Mirena that I really should have removed. Can't afford pregnancy or another form of birth control though so, I'm stuck with it. Anyways, I am dependent on others, emotionally, always have been. I can cook, clean, and provide for myself just fine. I can take care of my children just fine. I have a harder time taking care of myself. I can't stick to exercising or eating right. I don't often get enough sleep. I just started routinely wearing makeup around a year ago. I need someone, a significant other, a partner. I need someone that is literally my better half and my best friend. I need someone that is on the outside of my depression that can help me fight it. I need the comfort and the reassurance. I wish I didn't. I wish everyday that I was an emotionally strong person. I can pretend to be one like nobody's business but it's not the truth. I am fragile and sensitive. I have attitude, humor, and snarky remarks that cover it but if you really know me, you know better. You aren't fooled.

I never make New Year's resolutions because I've never seen a point, Seems like most people break them and revert back to old habits pretty quickly. I need change. My relationship and my life need change. I am completely unhappy with my life. It's too frustrating and chaotic. I thrive with organization the best. I am going to try my BEST to grow and develop this upcoming year. I want to be better. I feel like if I'm better then those surrounding me will be their best. I'm going to make my life less chaotic. I'm going to try my best to let the little things roll off my bad. I'm going to battle everything one item at a time as calm as I can. I'm going to stop saying horrible things. I'm going to walk away and calm down. I'm going to turn my phone off. I will be better. I will work on my patience. I will think things over before I blow my top. I am going to be better this year. I'm turning 28 in less than 2 weeks. I want more from my life than this unhappy, angry, bitter one. I will update in a few months on how I'm doing. Please wish me luck. I need it,

I know this is jumbled and crazy sounding but I'd love to hear from you all! Does anyone else feel like this?

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